A Dessert for the Record Books

 

Baked goods are a rarity in my house. My wife is an excellent cook but bakes very infrequently. Maybe twice a year we get some kind of delicious dessert – cake, cookies, and, my favorite, brownies.

A few weeks ago we decided we needed a good dessert to offset a mediocre dinner, so my wife decided to bake brownies. Since it’s only the two of us, she decided to make a smaller batch and cut the recipe in half. The math was correct and all measurements were done properly, but the outcome was less than stellar. Dry, tough, and very thin were able descriptors of the results. We choked one down after the meal but had to throw the rest of them away. Brownie failure. 

I was very sad since brownies are so rare in my house and my wife was mad because they did not come out as they usually do. Troubling times for good, honest, brownie loving folks.

A few weeks passed and we came across another brownie recipe in a new cookbook we had just purchased that sounded absolutely spectacular – Kahlua Coffee Brownies. The description alone brings about very naughty thoughts:

Three types of chocolate are blended in these rich, fudge like brownies, resulting in the most decadent brownies you will ever taste. Once baked, top them with a cream cheese frosting flavored with Kahlua, a coffee liqueur from Mexico. If you love coffee and chocolate, these are a real treat!

One trip through the baking aisle and we were ready to go.

We both meticulously measured and re-measured the ingredients and made sure all directions were followed to the letter. Everything came together beautifully as the glass pan slid into the oven. 30 minutes later the house smelled like a chocolate factory and the brownies were cooling on the stove top. Frosting was made and applied as carefully and delicately as an Italian sculptor puts plaster on the dainty bits of a statue. The result was truly a work of art.

Dinner was served and consumed in rapid fashion to get to the masterpiece waiting on the counter. We cut two lovely squares out of the pan that was still a little warm to the touch. And then…bliss. Somewhere in the background there was harp music playing softly and a choir humming in perfect harmony as we worked our way through those lovely chocolate squares, eyes closed, unable to speak. In layman’s terms, they were really fucking good brownies.

After basking in the afterglow, we covered them up on the counter and were already looking forward to when we could experience them again. 

The next day dawned with sunny skies and a forecast of 75 degrees and no wind. A perfect day for cycling. We loaded the bikes in the truck and set out for one of our favorite rides.

Two hours and 30 miles later, we were back home and ready for a cold beer and a splash in the hot tub. We came into the house through the garage and noticed what looked like glass in the hallway. We turned the corner into the kitchen and began to slowly process what had happened while we were gone.

As I have mentioned before, we have two dogs – a yellow lab and a golden retriever. Mickey, the lab, is a pig and will surf the countertops for food if no one is there to stop him. The glass pan of brownies was on the countertop when we left. There was no glass pan on the counter top. The glass pan was in a million pieces on the floor. There were no brownies on the floor. Just glass. And there were two dogs in the living room, trying very hard to pretend that everything was business as usual at the Berner house. 

Now, if you don’t already know, chocolate can be very toxic to dogs. It can lead to paralysis, seizures and even death if consumed in a large quantity. And the large quantity of chocolate that was in the brownies was now in the dogs. Time to call the vet.

Questions were asked about the recipe, type of chocolate, quantity of chocolate, size of dog, size of brownie pan, and the consensus from the vet’s office was that the brownies needed to be removed from the dogs. Barf time.

We get to the vet, they whisk us into a room and promptly take the two culprits into the back area. A tech explained what was going to happen. They would each get a shot that would cause them to very quickly start throwing up. The effects of the drug were almost instantaneous, so they would put a bag over each dogs head and let the barf fest begin. Luckily for us, they would handle this and we would wait patiently in the room.

We heard the “ewwws” and “awwws” from behind the closed door and we knew the main event was underway. Five minutes later, the vet comes in and informs us that Lucy, the golden, had a little bit of brownie in her stomach. Mickey had A LOT of brownie in his stomach. And now, due to the advances of modern veterinary medicine, both dogs had NO BROWNIES in their stomachs and were ready to go home. They were a bit wobbly due to the drug and the barfing, but no worse for wear. Chocolate poisoning crisis averted.

Here’s the kicker. I have eaten, over the course of my life, some very expensive foods and drank some very expensive wines. And I have enjoyed these things immensely. I’ve even had some mishaps that have resulted in things costing way more than than they should have (there was an incident involving a take out pizza and a speeding ticket that rang the cash register at a cool $175).

However, after careful consideration, I can honestly say that the two-inch square portions of the most decadent brownies in the world will go down in Berner history as the most expensive dessert ever consumed. One brownie each for two people. $365. Delicious.